Um...I never thought I was one, but I just got my butt kicked preparing for a colonoscopy. Sorry for the weak pun, but I'm still a tad sedated. I know no one wants to hear about the specifics of my last 24 hours, but I'm going to dance around them anyway, because I'm so astounded.
Childbirth. Everyone cries and moans about childbirth. Why didn't someone tell me it was going to be that terrible? Not I. I knew I could handle it with flying colors and I did 3 times without so much as an aspirin. The first time, I was so excited I wanted to do it again immediately! Bring it on! So, when my friend told me that the preparations for this procedure were worse than the procedure itself, I thought pppshaaw...preparations.... Heh heh.
Drinking Fleet. Um, I felt like some Shakespearean maiden committing my last act at my kitchen counter. I can't go on about it, because just talking about it or seeing the empty box on my counter surges my salivary glands into a small panic and I begin considering the quickest route to the bathroom. And one must do it twice in one evening. I still do feel poisoned 24 hours later, like every cell in my body is saying...well, cursing really. So, you take two doses, one at 4, one at 7. Then you can have fluids or jello till 12. Then nothing. And that's when the puking begins. And there can be no drinking. It really did feel like a joke, like the doctor was sitting at home looking at her watch, elbowing her husband, "And right about now," *laughs until she cries* "she's puking and wondering how she'll survive the night without fluids!"
I awoke very early after dreaming of drinking and eating and ruining the test. All I could think of - all I was completely possessed by - was ice chips and water. When I had Sean, the hospital gave me a great big cup filled with pellet-shaped ice chips that crunched wonderfully in the mouth and burst into cold watery bliss. I hoped my doctor's office would have an ice chest...Please! Please!
Bathing was a chore. I didn't dare shower because I could barely stand. I had lost 6 pounds in the last 12 hours and I believe my blood pressure was around 27/3. Then I leaned on Stan and descended the stairs and collapsed onto the couch where I stayed until my mother handed me a thermos full of water and ice to have immediately after. I whined like a puppy carrying it out to the car, feeling it sweat cold droplets into my hand.
The procedure was nothing...I was sedated for the first time in my life...everything's peachy, no problems...and I wasn't even thirsty afterwards because they gave me fluids intervenously! So that really took off the edge, amazingly. I do still feel drained and I have just now been able to sit up for more than a moment all day. Thought I was gonna die. Raging headache from no coffee...sedatation...dehydration. I am THE wimp. And I'm never drinking that stuff again EEEVVVEEERRR. Evil liquid.