August 31, 2007

On Realizing Your Goals (Without Even Knowing It)

I realized this morning, as I studied my Bible, that I have been given - God has given me - my most deeply held aspiration. I always wished that I had a big dream to pursue that held me tightly and wouldn't let me go. Like those people who just had to become an astronaut or a doctor. But I never seemed to be able to follow my so-called dreams, like being an Olympic runner or a Mt. Everest climber. They just disintegrated. In the end, no career seemed to be that important to me.

When Stan and I married, we just naturally made the decision to live in homes that we could afford on his salary, so I could stay home with the children we hoped to have. We lived in an apartment in the woods when God gave us Seth. We moved to a home in town, and God added Luke. We moved to a larger house to accomodate a homeschooling/work-at-home lifestyle and God surprised us with one fabulous Sean E. Pie.

This morning while I was studying in my office, Sean crawled out of bed, with his blue blankie the ladies at church made him at birth, and into my lap for a morning hug. I know well the feeling of a five year old boy sitting on my lap. It's the feeling of savoring something that won't be there for long. I've felt it before, but I always had a baby to snuggle waiting in the wings. This time I don't.

My youngest boy is going to school in six days. My knee-jerk reaction to that is panic - two-fold panic. My baby-holding days are over and my kids are not homeschooling. The homeschooling thing, I'll work out and discover where God leads us in the future. The babe-in-arms thing I just did work out this morning in tears of joy. I realized that my deepest held wish came true.

Nothing upsets me more than seeing a daycare center in a strip mall. They haunted me in my early child-rearing days. I'd drive past one and literally whince with fear. What if something happens and I have to put Seth there? Just the idea nearly brought me to tears. I know that people do it, good-hearted people who need these services, and I know they serve a purpose. I'm not sure why they make me panic inside, it may be that as a child I spent less time with my mother than I wanted. And that sometimes I was in places that made me feel panicky inside. Perhaps this is why my heart breaks when I see these types of places.

Whatever the reason, God has blessed me by allowing me to raise my kids at home until they each reached school age! I cried tears of joy when it hit me that - we've done it! I've reached my goal!

Hmmm, now pondering the addition of aspiration #2.


rosemary said...

I was in the process of leaving a comment when a huge storm hit....lost the comment. But, I remember what I said...enjoy your new found free mornings; read, nap, go to that Mexican place with your Stan. You have three of the most wonderful, adorable children... you should aspire to just keep on living your life to its fullest.

Paul said...

I read this. Again.

I read this again. I thought to myself: "I could marry a woman like this."

And I did.

Your many blessings have only just begun. God bless your husband, too.

deb said...

Sometimes when we get caught up in the movement of our lives. We often find our selves questioning the progresses and failures we've made or percieved we've made.
Your post touched me because there was a time that I said all I want to be is a wife and mother. I am both of those and have so much to be thankful for. I guess sometimes one needs to slow down and look around and really see, really really see, whats around us and take stock of what is going on.
And in that may we all see and wake up a little inside and realize how far we've come in reaching those things we so aspired too. Trusting in God that it will go the way HE chooses.

Thanks for helping me see it again, that motherhood is something to aspire to and a far more important job than we give ourselves credit for. What we give from our hearts, unconditionally, automatically, without question or second thought.

Being a mom Rocks