I realized this morning, as I studied my Bible, that I have been given - God has given me - my most deeply held aspiration. I always wished that I had a big dream to pursue that held me tightly and wouldn't let me go. Like those people who just had to become an astronaut or a doctor. But I never seemed to be able to follow my so-called dreams, like being an Olympic runner or a Mt. Everest climber. They just disintegrated. In the end, no career seemed to be that important to me.
When Stan and I married, we just naturally made the decision to live in homes that we could afford on his salary, so I could stay home with the children we hoped to have. We lived in an apartment in the woods when God gave us Seth. We moved to a home in town, and God added Luke. We moved to a larger house to accomodate a homeschooling/work-at-home lifestyle and God surprised us with one fabulous Sean E. Pie.
This morning while I was studying in my office, Sean crawled out of bed, with his blue blankie the ladies at church made him at birth, and into my lap for a morning hug. I know well the feeling of a five year old boy sitting on my lap. It's the feeling of savoring something that won't be there for long. I've felt it before, but I always had a baby to snuggle waiting in the wings. This time I don't.
My youngest boy is going to school in six days. My knee-jerk reaction to that is panic - two-fold panic. My baby-holding days are over and my kids are not homeschooling. The homeschooling thing, I'll work out and discover where God leads us in the future. The babe-in-arms thing I just did work out this morning in tears of joy. I realized that my deepest held wish came true.
Nothing upsets me more than seeing a daycare center in a strip mall. They haunted me in my early child-rearing days. I'd drive past one and literally whince with fear. What if something happens and I have to put Seth there? Just the idea nearly brought me to tears. I know that people do it, good-hearted people who need these services, and I know they serve a purpose. I'm not sure why they make me panic inside, it may be that as a child I spent less time with my mother than I wanted. And that sometimes I was in places that made me feel panicky inside. Perhaps this is why my heart breaks when I see these types of places.
Whatever the reason, God has blessed me by allowing me to raise my kids at home until they each reached school age! I cried tears of joy when it hit me that - we've done it! I've reached my goal!
Hmmm, now pondering the addition of aspiration #2.