Stuff I Learned on My Summer Vacation

Rainbow Twizzlers are terrible.

Cannons could shoot 3 miles.

Fresh swordfish is to die for.



There can be two shark bites on the same beach on the same day, even though there have only been 56 reported in the entire state in the last 120 years. And it can happen on the week, and on the very beach, of your vacation.

One shouldn't buy a new game in the middle of a long, hot vacation and expect children 15 and under to learn it and play it without much name calling and insults.

You can survive listening to a 5 year old sing Take Me Out to the Ball Game for 600 miles straight.

You can also survive a 5 year old singing Bob Marley's Buffalo Soldier for a week straight in a beachhouse, all the while a precocious 11 year old nephew informing you that a young child should not sing about such bad things. "Stolen from Africa, brought to America.
Ay yi yi. Ay yi-yi ya. Ay yi yi yi yi-yi yi ya."

The Bay Bridge in Maryland and the toll booth traffic thereof is possessed by the devil.

Bridges in general are scary propositions. But just because one collapsed somewhere and killed many unsuspecting people while you were on vacation, doesn't mean that the 35 bridges you have to cross going home are going to follow suit.

A 42 year old can't go play on a spinning thing with children on a playground on a 100+ degree day without experiencing some repercussions.

Put 11 people in one beachhouse with a pool for one week and you get more wet towels than you can shake a piece of driftwood at.



There are certain things you must let go.

1) Your brother-in-law lives in a Speedo.
2) Children simply do not believe in undertows, sharks, drowning, too much sun or any other ocean danger and they would like you to shut up so they can get about risking their lives.
3) Your 5 year old somehow memorized the words to Warren Zevon's song Carmelita and sings it freely and joyfully in public. "Carmelita! Hold me tighter! I think I'm sinking down. And I'm all strung out on heroin, on the outskirts of town."
4) Quite a few motorcyclists, during an 11 hour trip, will weave in and out of heavy traffic at high speeds and you mustn't watch them, preparing for the catastophe, or you'll risk causing one yourself.
5) The Philadelphia Inquirer provides a special service: Deciding willy-nilly to begin delivering free, unrequested papers to you while you're on vacation, leaving piles of them on your front lawn to ensure that the whole town knows of your absence!

Finally, I learned - and perhaps you've noticed - when my kids get a hold of my camera (not to mention my make-up) there's no telling what will end up in the South Carolina Vacation photo file.