October 1, 2007

And Now for Something Completely Different.

Do you follow Britney Spears? Me neither. Honest. But who can avoid it? She's losing it with the shaved head, horrible fake hair thingys, umbrella attacks, that unsavory bikini display onstage out there in front of everyone... and now losing her kids to somebody named "K Fed." Ouch. Every time she goes outside, every time I see another side of the distorted prism that seems to be her life right now, I can't help but think of one thing: Mad cow disease.

Remember back when the whole scare was trembling through our country and they kept showing the footage, over and over, of those poor heifers scooting out barn doors and sliding like a cow on rollerskates all over the pavement? Recoiling onlookers stood by shaking their heads in befuddlement. The animals, within just a few steps of the doors, would totally lose their footing and kersplat! They'd end up flailing on their enormous sides, legs searching for solid ground, eyes bulging, face twisted and tongue a-wagging. The sorry things didn't know which end was up. They had no idea what could be happening to their once sane, cud-chewing, bucolic lives.

That's how I see Britney Spears these days, like a mad cow. She too has lost her footing and I've seen enough. There's only so many times I can see falling cows crazed on prions, and only so many times I can see Brit with her bad hair weave, Elvis glasses, horrible horrible outfits, two screaming kids terrorized by paparazzi and a tragic car accident waiting to happen.

Someone needs to lead her by the nose and lock her in the barn for a season. Give her a strict diet of fresh hay and grains and good clear water. Keep her little calves nearby in their own happy stall, just far enough from her that they won't catch the dreaded disorder. Pet her softly on the nose. Shoo the flies off her tail. Brush her. Maybe Fern could come by and sit on a stool and read her happy stories.

Whatever it is, I do believe she needs a serious break before she's driven out to pasture for good.


rosemary said...

I am laughing a portion of my large butt off....you solved her problem.....really pretty sad.

the rube said...

thanks for the tip

when she's ground up into dog food, i won't touch it with a ten foot pole.