February 19, 2008

Bucket List, well, Discussion

Sir Paul tagged me with the bucket list post. What I want to do before I kick it.

When I was a little girl I had a big bucket. I only had a few dreams, but they were big ones. I wanted to run in the Olympics, climb Mt. Everest and be a writer. Those were really the only things I thought were neat.

I do not want to climb Mt. Everest any more. I don't even like to go outside in the winter. I moan until the van heats up. I turn on the gas fire in April. I've since kicked that dream OUT of the bucket. I've seen enough shows on climbing Everest to be more than content with staying home and watching shows on climbing Everest.

#2, I was never fast enough to be in the Olympics. I was a tad skewed in my opinion of my racing abilities, an overidentification with something I liked that brought me success, perhaps. Yes, I made it to a national meet when I was 13. Yes, I could beat every boy in town (2 miles square) up until high school and sure, some in high school too. Yes, people in town called me Bruce Jennie for a short time (well, some people in town did...well, three of my friends) and yes, I really had fun on the track. But Olympics? Nah. I just loved the feeling of running, even more than actually racing in meets. This is not very Olympic: Even though I held a 400 record in my school for a time, I used to hope for bad news to befall me every time I had to run the darn race. Jen! Come quick! Your locker's on fire! Bad knees in high school sealed the deal anyway. It was like word from above: Nope, try something else, "Bruce." I have come to believe that I was blessed when "being a successful runner" fell out of my bucket.

#3, Writing I've always loved, since I was little. I still have interest in getting something published, but I'm still not sure what. I have been working on journal-y ideas over the years. That I'd like to do. So, that remains in the bucket.

Now, I need to ask instructions. Isn't that pitiful? I need instructions to dream? Are we talking about things I think - Gee that would be neato! or things that I truly absolutely have my inner being, my heart set on doing? If it's things that are neato, I want to go to Italy and Scandanavia. I want to vacation on an island for a summer. I want to go to those white buildings on those lovely Greek islands. I want to walk home down a pebbly dirt road in my Jesus sandals with a basket of fresh produce and bread over my arm that I just got at the village open market, along with a fanciful string of purpley-red beads and an orange and red sarong for the beach where I'll pick up shells and read to my heart's delight. I may even draw. I would like to volunteer somewhere for a year or so. (Maybe I should just think of child-rearing as volunteer work and live my dream right here.)

But if the bucket list is things I absolutely have in my heart, things that weigh heavy on my heart and I won't rest until I do them...these are more personal, subtle things...things that I want to change about myself, things that I feel I'll never feel complete until I come to terms with them. I sigh just to write them because they are my miserable companions and I'm tired of dealing with the suckers. One is my relentless "deal" with food and body image. This thing that started as an eating disorder 30 years ago and hangs on part of me still like a lamprey. I'd like to be done with that, that is definitely on my bucket list and I hope it is off it someday. Two is my fears. I am fearful of some things, I guess we all are, but I'd like to be fearless. Yes, being fearless is high on my bucket list. Fear must go - that is another thing I want checked OFF my bucket list. Recently I've been entertained by the idea of doing the things that scare me. Not running nude across the Atlantic City Expressway or anything like that, and I won't be jumping off Trump's Taj Mahal like a guy from a morning show did today, but things like art lessons and striking up conversations and getting baptized. I'm not baptized, though I've wanted to be for years and years. My old church didn't make a habit of baptizing adults, but my new one does, so I'm being baptized on Sunday night. It's the talking in front of everyone that sounded scary, but that's only two minutes of my life and I need to do it. So, my new temporary list, the "quick list" I'll call it, is filling up with little things that scare me. Perhaps that'll be another post.

That may be it. My grounded dream of writing something...my big fun dreams, my quick list - to do things that are uncomfortable but good, and my two get-off-my-back dreams. Perhaps, I should put daring to dream big on the top of my list!? And they all fall under my biggest hope which is to live every day for Christ. The more I know Him, the more I want to be with Him and have Him fill the bucket.

1 comment:

rosemary said...

You probably know I am not much of a spiritual talker, but it seems to me that your last paragraph answers your wants......He will help you fill both buckets.....His and yours.... one he gave you the choice to fill with wonderful life experiences. You are already a writer, Jennie.